The Worst Airplane Seat Neighbors


Hi blog friends! I missed your faces so I thought I’d pop in for a quickie. (Insert immature giggle).

Not much new in Jess World, just the usual. I had a little break from traveling but I’m back at it again, and this time we’re headed to the great state of North Dakota! I’m not going to lie, I’m actually kind of excited to go to Fargo, just not near any wood chippers.

Oh hi, Steve.

Last week was the first time I’ve ever flown in to and out of a city all in one day, and it was something special. It actually kind of blows my mind that you can be 3 large states away that quickly and back in your own bed that same night. (And in case you were wondering, 4 is the number of flights in one day that equals too many.) As I was sitting on my fourth and final flight of the day, blasting John Mayer into my ear holes in an unsuccessful attempt to drown out the bloody-murder screaming of the small infant seated in front of me, I started to compile a list. This list was inspired by my constant state of losing the airplane seat lottery. No really, like every single time.  And when I’m really lucky, they get progressively worse throughout the trip so that my very last nerve is worn by the last of the offenders. And just to be clear, no, I don’t think I’m the “perfect passenger”. For example, I have a bladder the size of a pea, so God help you if I’m not in the aisle seat. Also sometimes I fall asleep and am pretty sure I drool on myself while I’m not doing the head-jerk move that happens when you pass out sitting up. Also I am constantly toggling back and forth between magazines, mobile devices and anything else that can keep my mind off of plummeting hundreds of thousands of feet from the sky.

So now that I’ve adequately belittled myself I can talk smack on everyone else, yes? Great. I present to you, my list of The Worst Airplane Seat Neighbors.

1.  People who wear too much cologne/perfume/Bengay. Just what exactly are you covering up?

2. People who don’t understand the boundary that is the arm rest. This is my dance space, this is your dance space…

3. People who eat really weird pungent food. I’m not eating this boring disgusting sandwich because I like boring disgusting sandwiches. It’s a respect thing, people.

4. People who talk very loudly and cavalierly about plane crashes and/or natural disasters when you are clearly already freaked the f out about floating through the sky. Where is that beverage cart?

5. People who want to talk to you past the initial polite small talk. I don’t care about your child’s proclivity for making bad decisions. Is your troubled kid here? Would he/she switch seats with you?

6. People who read over your shoulder. If you want to you know what the drama is between Kim and Beyonce and how JHud really lost the weight then you should have spent the $4.99 to find out for yourself. And don’t even THINK about helping me with the crossword puzzle.

And the absolute, very worst people…

7. The people who clap when the plane lands. (But also I do kind of want to kiss the pilot right on the mouth for getting me home safely.)

As much as I hate to stop on an odd number, I think I lost my vision temporarily after 40 minutes of screaming baby in the face. So that’s where I stopped.

Now please commiserate with me and tell me who you hate to sit next to! Isn’t judging fun?

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  1. I was once seated in front of a lady who kicked my seat the entire freaking flight. From London. Booze was the only think that kept me from going crazyass on her.

  2. **sniff, sniff, sniffff…..sniff, sniff…shifff….snifffff**

    Ugh, absolute worst is sitting next to someone you KNOW has like scarlet fever or the bubonic plague or something. Or maybe just a cold.

  3. LOL! Omg, I’m dying… I was just on a flight this past weekend and people started clapping when we landed and I was truly puzzled as to what was happening.

  4. haha funny list. SNL has the funniest skit about boarding an airplane and they list categories like these. Though I have to say about the clapping, I think it’s a cultural thing. I don’t see it done on American flights or airlines, but when I travel on the Polish airlines (or any eastern european ones) literally everyone claps, it’s like a respect thing to the pilot.

  5. Haha. I once was on a flight where I spent the entire time sobbing, because my cat had just died, and the dude next to me was high out of his mind and just kept trying to talk to me, and I was like hey dude, trying to cry in peace here. Also… a couple once got on with Burger King and Cinnabon to eat throughout the flight.

  6. haha this was awesome and so, so true. i just hate it when my neighbor has bad breath. THE WORST!

  7. #2 and #3 – OMG. The worst was when I had a guy sit next to me who not only took over my armrest but also pulled out an entire chicken for dinner. I wanted to cry.

  8. My friend once sat next to a guy who literally picked his nose the entire flight. I’m pretty sure I would vomit.

  9. I’m flying with the kid on Saturday and am worried about being that parent. Oh well. Hope he giggles or does something cute to take off the craziness.

    I’m not a fan of the people who recline all the way back. Also don’t care for the guy who thinks he doesn’t have to turn off his mobile devices like the rest of us plebes.

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